Given that I don't hate my job--at least not most of the time, and only as much any self-respecting minion really should--the immense dread with which I faced going back to work today was really extraordinary.

There's a moment in The Lonely Guy when Warren (Charles Grodin) explains that he doesn't like naps because when he wakes up, he gets that awful shock of who he is; he doesn't like to go through that more that once a day.

That's what the return to the reality of work feels like today.

I'm posting what I call my Speed Design Challenge 2004 entry. I don't know how content I am with the result, but I'm kinda proud of the mere fact of getting it done.

The challenge: create an image (no text) for a play that communicates: infidelity; edge; a particular waterfall in Minneapolis; the general aesthetic of a particular play company (that aesthetic being sort of avant garde and technologically advanced, but deliberately not sleek). This image is of unspecified size but must be 300 dpi and reasonably large.

Your resources: whatever you currently have on your computer that is not copyright somebody else.

Time: your lunch hour, 'cause this is not your actual job.

This is what I came up with, in its three different color variation b/c I didn't know what it would be used for. Obviously the original was larger, and I know this is flawed. But hey: ONE HOUR.

I also get a kick out of the fact that the image I used was originally from another play this company mounted, and was actually a son about to touch his dead mother's face (second photo).

As you undoubtedly know, it is a constitutional requirement that the President be at least 35 years of age. For me, this means that a 2012 election (with a Jan. 20, 2013 inauguration) puts me in there with three whole days to spare. It's eight years away, true, but given that:

a. Things are bad enough to require eight years of planning to repair
b. I want to get the grass roots a-growin' early

. . . I feel this is a good time to start articulating a platform and generating the memes that will make my campaign a winnah.

This is to be one of the ongoing "half in jest, wholly in earnest" portions of this blog; no, I don't think a run will materialize, but yes, I think I could run this joint a lot better than the people currently in charge.

So, Platform Plank #1:

I will not speak to voters as though they are stupid, and I will not speak to voters as though I am stupid--which is really just another, more roundabout way of speaking to them as though they are stupid.

This is my way of guaranteeing honest government, which has a vague sound and which I'd like to break down to practical elements. So I'll put it this way: implicit in every lie is the belief, or at least the hope, that nobody else will be informed or bright enough to catch it. It is an insult to the listener. A White House that assumes its constituents are intelligent is a White House that won't always be trying to get away with something.

The other part of this is giving honest choices. We all want everything at no cost with no consequences, but none of us is silly enough to believe things work that way. Americans can make choices and prioritize based on an honest presentation of viable options. I will convince Americans that policies are good ideas based on facts, not fear, propaganda, or fantastic promises. Whether America's actions are venal or noble, self-interested or generous, they will be forthright.

(And yes, there's a bit of Spanish-American War/Iraq II subtext here.)

I've decided that forgetful Christian children should not be the only ones with acronymical moral guide questions carved into their jewelry.

A modest design proposal:

The question:

"Will This Action Help Me to Achieve Global Domination?"

The T does not get capitalized because "to" is a preposition, dammit, and even if I am the only person to abide by this rule, it is no less a rule.

In any event, today is my birthday and it would really be just the thing if somebody were to make me a bracelet following this design.