Hey, Buddy, Why Don't You F@#%ing Face It Now?

Today I received one the most fascinating pieces of mail ever.

Strikingly, it was addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Adair H. Iacono. As it happens, I am not a Mr. Nor am I married to myself. So that was something of a red flag. But the thing that really drew me in, that told me that this was going to attain a special place in the noble pantheon of shit I've been sent unsolicited, was this logo on the outside:

What would I have to face, and why now? Was it Jeebus? It had to be Jeebus, right?

But no! It was my own mortality!

Yes, they want me to send away for a brochure so that I can FACE IT NOW and get myself a mausoleum. It's kind of them, isn't it, to worry so about how prepared I am? The only qualms I have:

1. I'm not even thirty! I don't wanna fucking face it now!
2. The photos in their brochure are so creepy and out of date that they look like stills from the Zapruder film. Look at this! Look! (click to enlarge)

I could never possibly trust my eternal repose to an outfit with such a gross disregard for graphic design and photography. After all, a memorial park is for the people who have to look at it. If these clowns can't handle aesthetics, what good are they?

Anyway, the good things to come out of this:
1. I told my roommate my basic wishes: no religious acts or paraphernalia of any kind, make sure the Spikers gets looked after, and I'd rather be cremated.
2. I waved the pamphlet in my roommate's face and exhorted her to FACE IT NOW!!!!!
3. I have acquired a new masterpiece of Found Art.
4. I have added a new phrase to my--and, I almost dare to dream, our--vernacular. See my and my sister's IM exchange below:

Me: from now on
Me: when somebody is driving us to nigh-murderous rage
Me: can we say that they need to Face It Now?
Alanna: Yes
Alanna: yes we can
Alanna: ahahaha

That's all the sanction the phrase needed to become an official, Iacono Certified saying. Use it wisely, people.

Posted by Adair at September 18, 2007 10:15 PM

Posted to Crrrap! | best-of