Dear Jerk,

I'm sure you spend a lot of your life being called "entitled", and because you are an idiot, you probably think that means you are actually endowed with more rights and privileges than others. Allow me to clear this up for you: people are using that word to avoid calling you an asshole. That, however, is exactly what you are.

Having thus provided you with needed information, I now feel entitled to ask you a question:

Did you really think that when I saw you, on a reasonably crowded F train, taking up a whole three-seat bench--with your spread-out legs, perpendicular elbows, and bag of crap--I wouldn't do something about it?

There were other seats. There were even other people violating the common laws of the subway--pole huggers, door blockers, etc. But your conduct was so appalling I knew I could not look away, could not possibly approve of myself if I did not do all in my power to put a stop to it.

This is why I deliberately sat on the nice end seat by the door, giving an insincere "excuse me" as I forced you to move over and take up a mere two seats. It is also why I made eye contact with the next person who got on the train, gave a head tilt, and got her to sit on the other side of you.

You are an asshole, and I will combat your socially unconscionable conduct wherever I encounter it.

I hate you.

And tonight, I defeated you.

Next time, act right.

Adair

Yesterday morning, before we had managed to travel a full stop, our subway train stopped with an announcement that somebody was injured on the tracks. The power was shut down (auxiliary lights came on) and we sat still for 27 minutes. It wasn't that bad, just strange; even when trains are stopped, there's usually a hum of speakers and paused engines. It's rarely that truly quiet.

The conductor herded us up the length of the train to a car that was in the station and we were then free either to wait for the situation to be resolved (if, you know, you had a spare few hours) or to exit the station and make our way as best we could. This led to my favorite snippet of dialogue from the day:

Cop to querulous member of public: Do you have to wait for the train? No, you can do something else.