May 12, 2007

Greatness

Late last night as I headed home on the F train, I espied this gentleman:

The best part was that he was reading a book called The Greatness Guide at the time. While I can't claim to have read that volume, I have to believe that it contains no directive to be completely fucking disgusting on mass transit. But it's just possible that it fails to tell its readers not to do so. So please, readers of this undoubtedly fine work, consider this a supplemental chapter:

Thank you.

July 10, 2006

Emmett Iacono, RIP

Emmett, an adorable, fluffy, slightly cross-eyed cat who harbored a great devotion to food and my mom, died today. He was almost 15, which is a good long life for a cat, and to the extent that complete comfort and adoration make for happiness, his was a happy life. But at the end he was suffering so much that it was just terrible to see. So my mom had to take him, probably her favorite cat in a lifetime that has always had at least one cat in it, to be put down.

Rather than dwell on his death, though, I want to celebrate his finest hour: the time he saved my dad's life. It's true! Read on.


The Rashomon of Emmett
My dad's version, via IM the morning of the incident.

Please allow for the confusion of crossing IMs; we kinda talked that way online. Also note that my dad wasn't yelling, he just had a cramped laptop and would hit the caps lock key by accident a lot.

[my dad]:i am dizzy from the gas in the house
[me]: Gas?
[me]: What the hell?
[my dad]:your mother left the gas on this morning when she left, I'aM LUCKY THE CAT WAS HUNGRY AND KEPT BUGGING ME
[my dad]:I'VE HAD THE FAN ON AND WINDOW OPEN FOR HALF AN HOUR AND IT STILL SMELLLS
[my dad]:IF SOMETHING HAPPENS TO ME, MAKE SURE SHE GETS PROSECUTED
[me]: Can do.
[me]: Sheesh.
[me]: Emmett saved your life!!
[my dad]:I'LL TALK TO you later, got to go now, have a good day
[me]: Okay
[my dad]:we're going on TV,
[me]: Get Emmett some Pounce
[me]: Huh?
[my dad]:you know, the feel good show
[me]: I have no idea what you're talking about
[my dad]:touched by an angel or something
[me]: Ahahahahahaha
[my dad]:me and the cat

 

My mom's version, via an email to the family that afternoon:

Subject: HERO CAT

One Len Iacono called here at approximately 9:30 this morning whining and complaining that someone had attempted to kill him by filling the house with noxious gas fumes from the stove which had been turned on at approximately 7AM. It seems the dial for the burner was set on "10", rather than having been turned to "light"

The plot was thwarted by a large, intrepid furball, aka Emmett, caterwauling and kneading the victim's body until he grudgingly awoke and proceeded to the kitchen amidst the acrid fumes.

Alanna, since you deal with the media, I suggest seeing if Miracle Pets is interested in this story.

The "perp" remains at large.

 


Ah, Emmett. Even without the heroics, you were a wonderful cat--affectionate, idiosyncratic, and with the most enchanting little tufts of fur between your toes. We love you, miss you, and hope we did right by you.

May 17, 2006

Best Voicemail Ever

A long time ago, I got a voicemail from a woman named Naia who was looking for another woman (named Kimba) so that custody of a child could be transferred. Now, my voicemail greeting very clearly says "Adair". Not "Kimba." So it should be obvious to any caller at that stage that there is no Kimba to be found. That was problem one. Problem two was that even if I had wanted to call the angry-sounding woman back and tell her the mistake she'd made, I couldn't--her number was blocked from caller ID.

So I just ignored it.

Then, a while later, I got a follow-up voicemail. A voicemail of such surpassing brilliance that I saved it every three weeks for OVER A YEAR. It's not high quality, but I've finally managed to digitize it for you, my reading public:

If embed fails: The Glory of Naia

February 12, 2006

Slope in the Snow

Haven't blogged in a long time, mostly 'cause when it takes about three hours a day to summon the will to live, there just isn't any time left over for self-absorbed Internet rambling.

But I did some real rambling in the snow today, and it was fun. Click the dog for more:

December 31, 2005

Cakemania victory!

I won! I won! I more than salvaged the sugar project. I learned from this morning's green experiment and tried again, this time in amber and this time actually trying to make the pull shapes. I was even able to make one with pulls on both ends that wrapped around the cake (see 9 o'clock on the photo below and the piece overlapping it--they're really the same). Fuck yeah! Looks like stained glass, burns like stained glass if mishandled, but oh, much better results when you eat it.

It was all I could do not to start punching into the air, screaming, "IN YOUR FACE!!!"

But I managed.

February 1, 2005

The Best Email I Ever Got. EVER.

I'm going to the archives for this, because it never fit anywhere on my site, yet is too awesome to languish unseen.

Back a few years ago, when I was an even lowlier minion than I am now, a man wrote me an email asking for the pub date of a book; being a good minion, I told him. He then cc'd me on every email he sent to anyone else about the book--because I must know that my word was going out! I must not lie about pub dates! Because I have nothing better to do!

In any event, he had some address book difficulties, and would often send me or cc me on emails meant for others; the first email below is a good example. Then, one day . . one magic, shining day when I came back from the Christmas holiday break to my cube, I found the third email below waiting for me. And such was its awesome power that I actually yelped, clapped one hand over my mouth, waved the other one at my cube neighbor so he'd come look, and jumped a foot in the air while sitting--all at once.

I don't dare paste in the text. I don't like the google keywords for which this page would suddenly be a result. Just read below!

If you're like me and want this on your office wall at all times, click on the image for a larger, more printable version.