Tuesday night's Law & Order: SVU ruled. In fact, it ruled so hard that it may have compromised my immune system, making me too ill yesterday to post about its awesomeness.

Why was it so incredible?

1. Matthew Modine. He has been my favorite since the one-two punch of Full Metal Jacket and Married to the Mob. Age 10 and I was DONE.

2. Chris Meloni.

3. Matthew Modine and Chris Meloni. Mrrreow.

4. The dialogue-driven nature of the episode. I commented to my sister that it was like, for one magic night, Homicide was back on the air. Only, it wasn't Frank who had somebody in the box, it was Stabler. But that same dynamic was in play--the interrogation as mental duel, with sympathies, antagonism, and electricity running in both directions. And then, of course, the final shot showing the toll it all takes on the cop--in this case, Stabler holding his head in his bloody-knuckled hands.

This episode was so good, I'm willing to suspend judgment on the casting of Martin Short as next week's villain.

1. It plays Homicide.

2. During Homicide, it plays the most fucked up commercials ever. The really long Old Glory-style ads, the creepy mattress ads . . . these are all awesome. But the best is the epic-length Proactiv ad wherein P. Diddy says that the product "moisturizes [his] situation and preserves [his] sexy".

Now, his use of "sexy" as a noun is of long standing; that party invite that leaked in 01 or 02 with "Do Not Disturb the Sexy" is, rightly, the stuff of legend.

But MOISTURIZES YOUR SITUATION?

That just sounds gross.

At long last, my absurd retention of plot and cast details from TV I saw at age 5 has come in handy. The situation: bar trivia. Yes, a vital arena in which to succeed. The question was: "What popular TV and film actor guest-starred as Michael J. Fox's alcoholic uncle on Family Ties?"

The answer: Tom Hanks, friend. Tom Hanks.

He drank the vanilla extract.

In this "I'm not a feminist, I'm an equalist" era, I know what I'm about to say will make me sound shrewish and vile and--nightmare of nightmares!--not "sex-positive", but I have to say it anyway:

Could we please stop pretending prostitution is glamorous? Or that a woman who becomes a prostitute is "making it"? (Yes, ha ha, I get the pun.)

Even if we were magically transported to a patriarchy- and misogyny-free land where sex work was just like any other kind of work, it would top out at just that: work. Drudgery. As it is, the prostitution industry is linked with a lot of violence, exploitation, addiction, human trafficking, and pretty much every other shittastic idea the human race has ever thought up, including the Port Authority Bus Terminal. Reasonable people can disagree about whether the solution is to "écrasez l'infame!" or to fight for the dignity of sex work--to try to make it so that the high-priced call girl with full agency and excellent medical care is not the Sasquatch-rare exception but the rule. But in neither case should pin-up glamorization play a part.

My hatred, it bubbles over**. And this clinches it: I am never subscribing to Showtime.

** Except at whichever of my neighbors did this to the poster in my subway station. To that person, shiny unicorn rainbows forever!

"I did not put garbage in your yard . . . Now you listen to me! I'm Mephistopheles, Prince of Darkness! When I start harassing you, you'll know it."