May 26, 2007

Donald? Is that you?

I see from your black t-shirt with dazzling sparkly gold writing that you a member of the "Billionaire's Club". Wow! Good for YOU! At such a young age! I would have thought you'd still be in junior high, or highschool- like right NOW because it's the middle of a weekday. You must have worked very hard, shepherding some brilliant idea from drawing board to real world. You are a master at hiding the intensity that this road to billionaire-ism must have taken, as you zig zag up 5th Ave in Park Slope, kicking garbage.
Fashionwise, I like the way you counter the Billionaire-ity with jean shorts.

You truly are an inspiration - work hard to follow your dream and you TOO can be in the Billionaire's Club.

May 6, 2007

Words I Never Imagined I'd Say

"Is that ham on my computer?"

April 3, 2007

You think YOU'VE got troubles

Coat-choice conversation between 2 older women overheard in Secaucus train station

Woman 1: The lining of this coat goes in with buttons. They're an inch apart and there are about a hundred of them.

Woman 2: Ugh! That's HORRID!!

Any right-thinking human: Why, God, WHY!?

March 16, 2007

I Guess I can Pretend this is a Spa Treatment

I'm not a camper, don't need to rough it to prove something to on-looking squirrels. I'm not a princess either. I'm somewhere in between but along the continuum I'm definitely closer to the side that prefers not to bathe out of a Rubbermaid pitcher of warm water, made using my Special Recipe for Warm Water: One part water boiled in a tea pot, one part icey cold water from the hot tap.

Bathing out of the vessel your roommate uses for Crystal Light makes you wonder about your life- What events led me to this moment? What are the universe's designs for me?

There is no way I've gotten all of the soap off my body. It's supposed to rain today. I run the very real risk of bursting into a luxurious but ill-time lather.

December 18, 2006

I need to work on being more vapid and uninteresting

Those seem to be the happiest people. And it seems others enjoy vapid and uninteresting conversations.

December 11, 2006

There's something on that pigeon's head!

It looked like he was wearing a tiny cotton ball hat. Perhaps pigeons know that we lose most of our body heat through our heads.

December 7, 2006

Thank YOU Keyspan!

Thank you for leaving a grave-size hole on 4th Avenue in Park Slope.!

This gaping chasm has given neighborhood folks someplace to put their suitcases and crates which would otherwise have to be used for travel or to store olde time milk bottles. Who can think of vacationing in this global climate of fear? And good luck finding a milk truck.

December 4, 2006

Announce Your Insanity to the World

Get a Pet Stroller

A Pet Stroller Review by "catmom" entitled "cat strooler review":
"After zippping and putting my 4 pound kitten in it, we walked about 15 ft. The kitten went balistic and broke the zipper trying to get out. So, I swdinitely would not recommend for a larger cat."

If you explain to people that your cat escaped from a stroller, do you think anyone is going to help YOU get your pet back? I swdinitely doubt it.

November 29, 2006

Dear Downstairs Neighbor who Spends His Whole Day Smoking Up and Watching VH1

Do you think that at some point today you could have called the goddamn landlord to tell him the building has no fucking hot water? Think you could have squeezed this in between rolling a joint and smoking a joint?

At least the lesson I learned this morning won't be wasted: One teapot of boiling water, when mixed with equal parts ice-cold tap water, yeilds about 4 pitchers of warm water.

I'm going to start wearing shoes around the house.

November 15, 2006

Insult and Injury

My friend Sally tried to kill me. We were picking through a box of chocolates trying to figure out which candies had nuts, which I am allergic to. I'll admit, I was kind of mangling a chocolate. "Just bite it! Just bite it!" - Sally's taunting will haunt me until the day I die (Thursday, if she has her way). The candy was perfectly square so I was less suspicious and I succombed to her relentless peer pressure. NUTS! Everywhere NUTS.

So, later on, after my brush with grim death.....Sally tells me that my hair looks good, she likes the new cut, it has body. And.....she can tell from the frizzy spot on the back of my head that I got tired of drying my hair. This is entirely true. But I never wanted to hear it.

I love Sally